Grand Illusion...

1 comment(s) / 7:55 AM

I always have such well thought out blog posts, as I am laying in bed at night. Again, I thought about picking up my phone and typing some of it out, emailing it to myself or some such thing. Again, I didn't. I had started pre-writing it in my mind because I've noticed a bit of a trend on plurk lately. A lot of people down or not quite feeling as sure of themselves these last couple of weeks. Maybe it's the weather, maybe its just a phase, maybe its the moon...and the fact that it knows a bomb is coming (what won't we bomb). Who knows what it is, it's dominating time lines, including my own.

It got me wondering how many of us don't know our own value or self worth. We are always our own worst critics and I can take a stand on heavy end of that stick, no doubt! I rethink and digest every single move I make to the point of convincing myself of its unavoidable failure. I annoy people to no end with worrying. Worrying about my choices, worrying about if they will be upset with me...so much so that I avoid ever approaching someone about something I am unhappy about, or something I personally want and just end up going with the flow. In all honesty, that seems to work out better because I genuinely want to do things for other people. I like doing things that will make others happy, or please them, because in turn it makes me feel better, even about myself. Every once in a while I find myself really down on myself and need a day or two to snap out of it. Heaven help the people that are stuck with dealing with me during those times, and you have no idea how much I am thankful for you either. So, knowing this about myself I started wondering about the people that are, or have been, involved in my life (RL or SL, doesn't matter, this is just random thinking here people, go with it) and if I help them see their self worth, or how much I value them. Do they realize what they mean to me, and do I say it enough? If I know that I need to be told certain things in order to maintain my confidence, do I tell them as much as I should? Maybe not...so I am going to start working on that, starting now.

Two people, of course, come to mind when I sit and think about this and I have to wonder if I do them justice and show them enough what they mean to me. Of course that is Kerra and Sands.

Kerra has been in my life for so long now, I can't remember a time when she wasn't. Ok, I can remember it, but I cant imagine how I survived it without her! She is honestly one person I know doesn't realize her own self worth or how valued she is, and I hope this somehow helps her see herself as the world sees her. She has the kindest heart, a spirit that mingles with mine so evenly that I cannot ever imagine a day without getting to even say hello to her. Giving to a fault and often quiet when things bother her, she and I are very much alike in the 'giving' department. I've started to learn her signals, when she isnt outright telling me she is mad about something. I am very honored to call her my best friend, sister, and so much more and am thankful that she knows she can lean on me as a venting board when the rest of the world seems unapproachable. I do the same to her, poor thing! She gives without expectations, loves without conditions and is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. People throw the word 'love' around a lot, but I can say without a doubt she is one of the few people I can say I love without hesitation. Through years of laughter, tears, ups and downs, we always find ourselves right back together fighting our way through it all together. She is more important to so many people than she will ever give herself credit for, so I will give her credit...even if she has bad credit and bounced checks and...oh, am I sharing too much about her now? (Don't hit me wench, they know I am kidding....maybe...)

I actually met her on The Sims Online, yes yes we played TSO. Come on, it was my first multiplayer game! From the moment I landed on her bit of land I was hooked, and we have played every game together since. We can sit and talk for literally hours, and never get bored with each other. Maybe a little annoyed when we have to go afk over and over again to deal with RL, but the understanding is still there and we know that when we really need the other, we are just a call away. If she answers her phone, that is! The best part of this online friendship has been the fact that I was able to move to be closer to her last year. Sometimes a friendship online doesn't translate well into the real world, not so in our case! If anything we laugh more, and scare people more, when we get together to go do things. Someone should have warned this little dinky town, I don't think they were prepared for us!

So, yea, she should know all of this, but it never hurts for the telling now does it? She is amazing, puts up with me, listens, offers advice (even when I roll my eyes at her) and is always there for people. You simply cannot find a better friend than that! One that will support you even in your mistakes, and be there for you to say 'See, I told you that was a bad idea' and help dust you off when you fall flat on your... ok you get the idea. I could talk about her for days.

I know the things I say about Sands might surprise people, but that is often the case when judgments are made before you really get to know someone, or even have a conversation with them. When I first met Sands and he sent me that first message in world I told myself 'no...' and tried so very hard not to fall for him. He knows this, so it isn't any surprise for me to say I was drawn to him from the start but told myself it was absolutely not going to happen. I never do listen to myself, I should have known better. I started to go to Seven more often just in the hopes of getting to talk to him, and he never failed to show up the nights I was there. It took him a good while before even approaching me, or asking me to go and spend more time getting to know him...but it took even less time for me to lose myself completely in him. So why couldn't I resist him?

I found that out as time went on, sometimes things are meant to be. I've said it to him as well that even if this only lasts a short time that I think we were supposed to find each other, to heal so much in each other that fighting it was a losing battle. I also told him he would be sick of me after about 2 months, but he is always trying to prove me wrong about things so I'm actually not surprised we are here after 6 months. Even when I slip back into my protective ways and try to push him away, he is still there. Those moments when I lose my own self worth and tell him to just go, he holds on and stays, because he knows damn well that I want him to. When I go all hormonal and emotional and ask why on earth he loves me he very quietly just reminds me, and says 'because I do, I'm supposed to.' All the things I really never would have expected from someone, and from him? I could surprise the dickens out of you people, it still surprises me but I am so very thankful for him and what we have I am often at a loss for words. Yes, me, lost for words... well not right now obviously! I remember the exact moment he told me he loved me, the way it made me feel and how easily I was able to tell him I loved him, and without a doubt in my mind...then or now. I don't say I love you easily, it is a huge expression to me. Falling in love with Sands was just right, no matter what happens now.

He can actually be very kind, patient, and amazingly sweet when he wants to be, and I am glad I took the time to look at him with fresh eyes instead of just taking what I might have 'known' from seeing him before. Through our time together I learned so much more too, and I truly don't think he realizes his own value either. He is an amazing leader, can organize a group of unruly people easily, is observant (most of the time lol) and disaplined when it comes to the things he has a passion for. Thats another thing, his passion, he has a passion for life, his goals and aspirations and for a few other things I won't exactly be mentioning in this blog. He is extremely giving, always willing to help people out and most never really appriciate that enough. Not sure if he realizes how much I do appriciate all of the ways he has helped me, and changed me over the months. Can you ever really tell someone enough what they mean to you, or how much you love them and need them in your life?

Maybe more people should try. If just one person told another how much they value them, imagine how that would trickle down and people would begin to build their own confidence again. The world is full of doubt, and anger, and times of frustration, so why not in these times of pure chaos just open up to one or two people and let them know how much they mean to you? Try treating people the way you want to be treated, without expectations. When you give with the expectation of something in return you only find yourself wallowing in disappointment. I know, I have done it! Instead just give, you might be surprised at how good it feels.

The images within this post today were done in the middle of writing the blog post on my own land. Clothing by So Many Styles (new release, YAY) and I love it! So warm and cozy looking as the real world turns cold. The boots are by Pixel Mode (I went back and got more, its a sickness I tell you) and the hair is one of the newest by Truth.

TGIF and all that jazz, and I hope that you each have a fantastic weekend filled with all the love and joy you can stand! Taking my obnoxiously happy self off to do a few errands today, getting out in this cold wet weather isn't exactly appealing, but never the less. Its for sure a 'stay inside curled up with a good book' kind of day, but I am sure there are plenty of those ahead this winter. It looks like we skipped right past fall lol. Going to be picking up Kerra for shopping and treating her to lunch, then its back to the insanity at home until Sands gets home and on tonight. Of course, thats not even including all of the messages back and forth with him all day, hard to get through it without them! Its going to be a good day, I am determined for it to be... just ask these two, I am stubborn enough to make it happen! Anyway, have a great Friday people, see you tomorrow! With a shorter post, I promise.

Dina's Duds
Clothing: So Many Styles
Shoes: Pixel Mode
Poses: Diesel Works, Striking Pose, Glitterati
Hair: Truth
Skin: Belleza

Labels: Avanista, Belleza, Diesel Works, Glitterati, Pixel Mode, Second Life, SL, So Many Styles, Striking Pose, Truth