Grand Illusion...

This entry is going to be long, fair warning, and its going to be a subject most people will not fully understand. I can accept that tonight, finally. Over the last couple of weeks many people, friends and some surprising, out of the blue new contacts, have sent me messages letting me know of things being said (blogged, plurked, you get the idea) that they felt I might need to respond to. At the time I glanced over them, had a few very helpful conversations, received invaluable amounts of advice, and let myself sit on the information for a while before opening my mouth. I debated long and hard about making any type of comment, obviously deciding to do so here after letting myself digest it and respond in a clear headed, mature way.

Most people, those that know me, don't know me, glance at my blog or, from any other source, know that I am involved with Sands here within SL, and the other online game we play EQ2. My choice in that matter seems to have caused a bit of a stir, so much so that there are a couple of people that feel the need to consistently proclaim that I am now in an 'abusive' relationship. I didn't exactly do a good job in ignoring these accusations in the past, making my own comments in my blog entries to show the opposite to be true. I also tried to just let it go because, quite honestly, its not worth my time or energy to focus on people that have no clue about what is going on in my life, or my relationship.

This month, however, it was taken too far by declarations that Sands is abusive and that contrary to my public displays or comments, I am being abused. I was told by someone I consider very wise, that whenever we are on the 'over' side of a relationship, anything and everything that the other person you were involved with had done can be manipulated and twisted into abuse. I could come up with things that my ex's have done and say 'I was in an abusive relationship' all I want. Perhaps I might even think that myself, and that would be my choice. That does not, however, always make it true. Nor does it mean they will never find a person or a relationship again, or that they will be abusive in that relationship simply because I felt they were so to me. What surprises me the most right now, is that this particular person is spending a great deal of time laying out in great detail aspects of a relationship that was obviously not right, for either person involved and has been over for, well, coming close to a year now. Each person has moved on to another relationship, yet the need to cry out 'abuse' over and over again seems to prevail. I think its wrong, I think the things she is saying are ridiculous and to drag their relationship out and paint him as an abuser is flat out cruel. I am not going to spend more time in this post focusing on that relationship past this paragraph. It was not a good relationship, the people in it, and around it, can attest to that. The person coming out and painting themselves as a victim in it can continue all they want, and others will automatically empathize because that is human nature, its what we do. We offer compassion and comfort to someone we think was wronged, regardless of what the truth may be or the flip side of the coin, so to speak. It is not my place to come in and comment on what they did to each other, I am going to leave that to the person being publicly dragged through the mud on it. When backed into a corner, we know that isn't going to go well....you guys are on your own with dealing with it, because I feel he is entitled, fully.

I am, finally, going to step up and put a stop to the assumptions that I am being abused by Sands. If anything, I have been abused not only by people that claimed to be my friends (just two, mind you, this will be explained in a moment) but by Sands ex who has come in and verbally attacked me on my own blog, his, and in other venues and has proclaimed I should 'get used to it.' Apparently because she feels her relationship was abusive with him, that entitles her to come and say as she pleases to me. Its a touch confusing, considering I do not know, or have ever had any other interactions with the woman, but if that makes her feel better.... Unlike some, I am not a victim here, I understand her issues (and they are, hers) and feel nothing in regards to her comments or abusive behavior. I have not, and will not take them personally considering the fact that, again, I do not know her, she does not really know me. Let me be perfectly clear, this isn't about being a victim, this is about defending someone I love, very deeply.

There are so many things that Sands does for me, but you can easily turn them around and make them abusive right? Here, like this, I mean, this guy should be taken out back and beat with a stick. Let me get one....

If I am not home, there are times he will send me a text message, or even call (and I make the choice to either read said messages or answer my phone, its simple, if I am unavailable, I don't) and talk to me. He wants to be around me, loves me, needs me, and is happy with me enough to want to know when he can spend time with me again. *huffs*
He may even ask when I am going to be home, and able to come online to spend time with him. Annoying as it sounds, he does this so that if he knows I am busy he can use that same time to do RL things that might cut our time short at the same time. How...how dare he.
He gets really annoyed with me when I call him. Wait, it gets worse. He then insists that I text him so he can be the one to call me so that he has to pay for the phone call. At the very least, he says 'Let me call you right back' and does, every time. I have only had to ask once, and that's because we just started talking so quickly I forgot I did the calling. We live close, but in different countries. This means he has a massive cell bill because of talking to me and refuses to let me pay for any of it. Flat out, refuses, I keep trying. Rude.
Has paid for, and is maintaining the fees for, not one but two EQ2 accounts so I can play the game with him during my free time. That may not seem like much, right? Even better is he sends me the money, and all account information is in my name so that it is literally my account, he is just helping me so that we can enjoy it together. The big jerk even spent his own money to help gear out my toons, so that we can enjoy the game even more. So, essentially, he is spending all of his entertainment money on me, supporting me fully. He knows that my money is focused on RL, all while paying for any and all online entertainment costs so we can be together. Gosh.
Has said a few times 'One of us should blog/plurk that' and, we each have randomly blogged/plurked about each other and the things we have going on. He doesn't comment on my blogs all the time, but that's mainly because we sit and talk about it and get so busy doing other things, we each forget. He has also asked me to say something somewhere simply because more people will see it if *I* do, rather than if he does and he likes sharing what we have together. Total creep.
Sat by while I attempted to fix a friendship with someone that had lied, and attacked him, spread rumors and treated me with disrespect by breaking a trust that I had instilled in them. Never once told me I couldn't speak to them, stood by me when I went through a lot of pain and tears over losing what I had considered a friend, and defended me at his own loss of friends against someone else who has repeatedly hurt other people as well. Was very understanding and tried to help me get through the stress of it, while being attacked (passive aggressive attacks, at that) while I sat by and did nothing. When I finally reached my breaking point, he still stood by, never once said 'I told you so' or proclaimed himself the victim, but finally did come out publicly against those that were causing these problems. Goodness sakes.
Puts up with my moods, and has been there for me in a major time of need. Like today. I had surgery this morning, after finding myself in the ER at 4am. I woke him with the phone call about it, falling apart because I really was terrified, and spent almost all morning in text messages with my mother, of all people, to make sure he knew what was going on. Took multiple breaks from work to go call me to make sure I was ok, and has put up with how the meds they have me on make me feel, even when I get extremely cranky and snap at him. Puts up with it because he knows its not him, he rarely ever makes me cranky. Sheeesh!
Knows that I am home, and he offered to stay home from his game tonight to spend with me, but I was determined to get this written tonight and knew if he was home...he would be too distracting. When he knew we were planning this surgery, he had even offered to stay home from work, or come down so he could really be with me through it all.Who does he think he IS?!
He comes to me for advice, uses me as a sounding board, and talks about the things he has going on in his RL and listens to what I have going on. All..the..time. Its constant, talk talk talk. Imagine, a relationship suffering through that?
Sexually he will...waaait a minute, that's rather private and between us, thank you very much! Just because we both talk about the desires and things that please each other, and then do them, is no cause for you nosy people to come in and think I am going to start spilling on it. Go on now, pervs.
Likes, and is liked by, my friends and spends time with them, with me, when we are in SL together and has helped a couple of them financially when he is able to. He will even sit with me on skype while we are each talking to our friends through IMs and such, just so we can have that time together too. Shares things about his conversations, and friends, and is involved in mine as well so that they like each of us. Has introduced me to and enjoys having me get to know some of his friends from over the years, and takes great delight in making sure they know what we are together. The...nerve.
Has spoken to, and knows all about my family. Actually has shown concern and care for my kids, and thinks almost as highly about them as I do. Even offered to help get them their back to school things because he knew I was on a tight budget because of other expenses.
Stays up until all hours of the night (when I can) to just play, or watch movies, or just talk and then even after that, will call and talk for the last five minutes of our day together until we fall asleep on the phone. We have spent almost every day and night together (this is our free time, mind you, we do each have RLs to tend to, but that is no ones concerns but our own) for the last 5 months. Its been....amazing. Note the lack of sarcasm here, because I believe this with all of my heart.

I could also go on, for days really. I could include some physiological interpretation of the how's and why's. The truth of the matter is, when you almost lose something (see one of my points in which I explain my surgery, yep, its drama, but I *am* terrified of going under and tend to get dramatic when worried) or you feel like you could easily lose something, you start to realize what is important in life. I've tried for a long time not to really do this point by point type of post, but some just don't seem to get it. In all honesty, I would actually appreciate it if people would stop telling me about the things these people say. Thank you for looking out for me, and for us, but you can stop worrying, we are very much ok.

I've defended or supported him and us in my own way, by showing what we are instead of fighting against what someone else is determined to convince the world of what he was. Feel free to read things on your own, and come to your own conclusion. Sharing the positive aspects of my relationship, and the ways that we are happy together, is defense enough.

All of this as we come upon one of my weekends. Its going to be an amazing night, and perfect weekend, even through the pain of recovery right now. There is also likely to be another long post coming, with pictures and meaning behind them that will simply surprise some. I look forward to it, that shock factor. Until then, I hope you all have an amazing weekend, filled with people you love and focusing on the happiest times and things in your life. If you made it through my long post, its a miracle. Good thing I believe in miracles, I am living in one right now, and can't wait for each day and what it will bring me. Wishing that to everyone out there tonight...and always.

Dina's Duds
Well, its a face...this should be easy.
Skin: Redgrave
Hair: Zero Style
Eyes: Uh, I forget and don't even wear them, will update!

Labels: Avanista, Sands